It has been years since my last blog..i
still remember my first blog was created during my poly days, which is like XX
number of years back!! :O so loooong that I have even forgotten what is my blog
url back then :| frankly speaking, i find it a waste of time to blog when in
fact I prolly blog hoping people would read, more than to pen down my thoughts
for own keepsake purpose.
After procrastinating for quite some
time, i decided to create a blog again - a blog to talk abt my daily life,
stuffs that evolves me, my shopping reviews & anything under the sun
which I like to blog/share about..
So now, my first blog entry - 11th April 2012. Specially dedicated for my ever most beloved
DEAREST grandma....
Dearest 嬷嬷,
Today marks your 49th day of
leaving us :'(( till date, whenever anyone mention abut you, somehow it still
triggers me down the throat & I have to ctrl back my tears & swallow
everything down...
You have been with me ever since I’m
born into this world. Staying with you for my past XX yrs, I can proudly say
that you have always been giving me the endless care & concern, enjoyment,
happiness and blessings!! Although, I cannot remember
how mischievous I was when I was still a toddler (it seems that I’m
really difficult to take care as per my mum)...but I know that you are the one
who took care of me with all your strength & LOVE :'* you prepare food for
me daily & ensure i grow up healthily. i still rmb that you used to smoke
too, in our squatting toilet...perhaps you don't want to let your
grandchildren see you as a bad example hur?
Sometimes, I don't deny that deep down I
thought it would be better if i can stay alone with my parents & brothers,
rather than together with grandparents. Why this thought?? Maybe is due to those unavoidable arguments/disagreements/unhappiness that
daughter-in-laws (my mum) would always have with their in-laws. Whenever I see
this kind of situations, somehow or rather I feel so frustrated & have the
thinking that in-laws are not easy to stay with together. Their traditional
ways are never easy to adapt & understand.
NOW I KNOW, I'M SOOOOO WRRRROOONNNGGGGG
:<
Our house is NEVER lack of frozen food.
Our fridge is always so pack that sometimes even the ice got those frozen food
smells. We have to think twice before buying any food that needs to be
refrigerated. No packet drinks can be found in our fridge, maybe 2 packs at
most??
Our house is NEVER lack of household
stuffs. From the smallest tea-spoons to the biggest wok. You just name it, I’m
98% sure it can be found in our house. Speaking of this, I’ll always feel lost
when I go to some1's hse to prepare food cos their hse might not have the type
of pans or sauces that I require.
Our house is NEVER lack of home-cooked
food. Whenever i come home from work/outside, there is ALWAYS food. Simple days
usually consist of 1-2 vegs, 2-3 meat/fish & 1 soup. When my relatives come
over, it will double easily. i literally get to eat yummmmmy home cooked food
almost every day. So tell me how fortunate I’m, cos i need not wait till CNY to
eat all these delicacies. You always ensure we don't lack food.
10+ yrs ago, you got diagnosed with
breast cancer. you have been taking western + chinese medication, going for
check-ups, having blood test & going for chemo...still it doesn't really
help much. ultimately, one side of your breast has to be removed to
prevent any further spreading of your cancer cells :""(( i TOTALLY
BLAME myself for not concerning you much back then. i can feel your worries,
your fear & your tears!! ever since you need to have those silicon breast
for your bras, so that you still can look nicer on the outside. deep down, i
know you don't feel good. i mean which female will right? a breast gone.....
Few years later, you got diabetes. you
have to eat brown rice/porridge daily. Everything you eat is light and more
medication is needed again :( nevertheless, you still cook for us daily.
Blessed - I’ve you with me on my 21st
birthday. i still rmb you will always prepare a bowl of 甜面 with 2 eggs for me on most of my birthdays.
i
witness with my own eyes that your health is deteriorating day by day. you
breast cancer relapse :( you lost so much weight...i know you don't like to see
your children, grandchildren so thin, so I know how much you hate to see
yourself becoming stick bone. your appetite become smaller & smaller. i
know you are hungry, but it just that there are lumps in your throat that makes
swallowing & talking so difficult. even when you drink water, it is just on
your tongue with the water dripping down. the lumps behind your ear is always
pulling your nerves, which make your eyes tear constantly & your mouth
slightly slanted. your legs are weak. you can hardly walk & you need adult
diapers for the night. your calves are SOOOOOO swollen that water start coming
out of your skin. it literally form a puddle of sticky yellowish water. when
everyone is soundly asleep on our comfy bed, you are there lying on the massage
chair nodding away. cos the moment you lie down, you know you do not
have the strength to pull urself up if you need to.
call me coward, i don't dare to help
you clean your wound which bleeds & see the multiple lumps behind your
back. i know i just don't dare cos of the fear that i will cry in
front of you, to see you in such pain & i can't even help you to ease
it :"((
never would i expect this would be our
last CNY together. however, i thank god that my prayers are answered. you
manage to stay with us till this new year.
On 23rd Feb 2012, I got
gugu mummy's whatsapp that you are being admitted to the hospital due to
breathing difficulty. The reason behind this is due to your failing lungs which
only got discovered 2 days before. I rushed down from work to SGH A&E with ah jie.....
I GOT A SHOCK OF MY LIFE
WHEN I SEE YOU ON THE BED!!!!!!
I remember clearly the pipes
on your hands and nose, the way you are gasping for air & the ¾ closed eyes...my
tears just roll down my cheeks automatically. I cant even call for you, telling
you I’m here……my mouth is just stucked! :”((
You have always been
strong.
You try your best to wait
for everyone to arrive before leaving us. You wait till the very last moment
that you know you cannot make it, then you decide to be admitted cos you don’t want
your children to spend the lumps of money on hospitalization fees if you need
to be warded.
The day you pass away, I could
not sleep. I can feel the emptiness at home, even till now.
7 days of wake..i can once
again proudly say that you have the grandest one. So grand that even some Malaysian
channel came to report. So grand that for the past 6 nights, your wake is
always full of friends, relatives, etc etc…..
Even
though you have left us in person, I believe your spirit is still with us as
always. Hope you are in a better place, with no pain but happiness..my beloved
grandma.
I MISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS YOUUU ♡♡♡
Always Loving You,
愫芩
She will always be remembered in our hearts... and one day, we will meet her again...
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