Wednesday, 11 April 2012


HARRRRLLLOOOWWW blogger, I'M BACK AGAIN!! Do welcome me with your BIGGGGESSSTT HUGGSSSS alright :DD 

It has been years since my last blog..i still remember my first blog was created during my poly days, which is like XX number of years back!! :O so loooong that I have even forgotten what is my blog url back then :| frankly speaking, i find it a waste of time to blog when in fact I prolly blog hoping people would read, more than to pen down my thoughts for own keepsake purpose.

After procrastinating for quite some time, i decided to create a blog again - a blog to talk abt my daily life,  stuffs that evolves me, my shopping reviews & anything under the sun which I like to blog/share about..

So now, my first blog entry - 11th April 2012. Specially dedicated for my ever most beloved DEAREST grandma....

Dearest 嬷嬷,

Today marks your 49th day of leaving us :'(( till date, whenever anyone mention abut you, somehow it still triggers me down the throat & I have to ctrl back my tears & swallow everything down...

You have been with me ever since I’m born into this world. Staying with you for my past XX yrs, I can proudly say that you have always been giving me the endless care & concern, enjoyment, happiness and blessings!! Although, I cannot remember how mischievous I was when I was still a toddler (it seems that I’m really difficult to take care as per my mum)...but I know that you are the one who took care of me with all your strength & LOVE :'* you prepare food for me daily & ensure i grow up healthily. i still rmb that you used to smoke too, in our squatting toilet...perhaps you don't want to let your grandchildren see you as a bad example hur? 

Sometimes, I don't deny that deep down I thought it would be better if i can stay alone with my parents & brothers, rather than together with grandparents. Why this thought?? Maybe is due to those unavoidable arguments/disagreements/unhappiness that daughter-in-laws (my mum) would always have with their in-laws. Whenever I see this kind of situations, somehow or rather I feel so frustrated & have the thinking that in-laws are not easy to stay with together. Their traditional ways are never easy to adapt & understand. 


Our house is NEVER lack of frozen food. Our fridge is always so pack that sometimes even the ice got those frozen food smells. We have to think twice before buying any food that needs to be refrigerated. No packet drinks can be found in our fridge, maybe 2 packs at most??

Our house is NEVER lack of household stuffs. From the smallest tea-spoons to the biggest wok. You just name it, I’m 98% sure it can be found in our house. Speaking of this, I’ll always feel lost when I go to some1's hse to prepare food cos their hse might not have the type of pans or sauces that I require.

Our house is NEVER lack of home-cooked food. Whenever i come home from work/outside, there is ALWAYS food. Simple days usually consist of 1-2 vegs, 2-3 meat/fish & 1 soup. When my relatives come over, it will double easily. i literally get to eat yummmmmy home cooked food almost every day. So tell me how fortunate I’m, cos i need not wait till CNY to eat all these delicacies. You always ensure we don't lack food.

10+ yrs ago, you got diagnosed with breast cancer. you have been taking western + chinese medication, going for check-ups, having blood test & going for chemo...still it doesn't really help much. ultimately, one side of your breast has to be removed to prevent any further spreading of your cancer cells :""(( i TOTALLY BLAME myself for not concerning you much back then. i can feel your worries, your fear & your tears!! ever since you need to have those silicon breast for your bras, so that you still can look nicer on the outside. deep down, i know you don't feel good. i mean which female will right? a breast gone.....

Few years later, you got diabetes. you have to eat brown rice/porridge daily. Everything you eat is light and more medication is needed again :( nevertheless, you still cook for us daily. 

Blessed - I’ve you with me on my 21st birthday. i still rmb you will always prepare a bowl of 甜面 with 2 eggs for me on most of my birthdays. 


i witness with my own eyes that your health is deteriorating day by day. you breast cancer relapse :( you lost so much weight...i know you don't like to see your children, grandchildren so thin, so I know how much you hate to see yourself becoming stick bone. your appetite become smaller & smaller. i know you are hungry, but it just that there are lumps in your throat that makes swallowing & talking so difficult. even when you drink water, it is just on your tongue with the water dripping down. the lumps behind your ear is always pulling your nerves, which make your eyes tear constantly & your mouth slightly slanted. your legs are weak. you can hardly walk & you need adult diapers for the night. your calves are SOOOOOO swollen that water start coming out of your skin. it literally form a puddle of sticky yellowish water. when everyone is soundly asleep on our comfy bed, you are there lying on the massage chair nodding away. cos the moment you lie down, you know you do not have the strength to pull urself up if you need to. 

call me coward, i don't dare to help you clean your wound which bleeds & see the multiple lumps behind your back. i know i just don't dare cos of the fear that i will cry in front of you, to see you in such pain & i can't even help you to ease it :"(( 

never would i expect this would be our last CNY together. however, i thank god that my prayers are answered. you manage to stay with us till this new year.

On 23rd Feb 2012, I got gugu mummy's whatsapp that you are being admitted to the hospital due to breathing difficulty. The reason behind this is due to your failing lungs which only got discovered 2 days before. I rushed down from work to SGH A&E with ah jie.....


I remember clearly the pipes on your hands and nose, the way you are gasping for air & the ¾ closed tears just roll down my cheeks automatically. I cant even call for you, telling you I’m here……my mouth is just stucked! :”((

You have always been strong.

You try your best to wait for everyone to arrive before leaving us. You wait till the very last moment that you know you cannot make it, then you decide to be admitted cos you don’t want your children to spend the lumps of money on hospitalization fees if you need to be warded.

The day you pass away, I could not sleep. I can feel the emptiness at home, even till now.

7 days of wake..i can once again proudly say that you have the grandest one. So grand that even some Malaysian channel came to report. So grand that for the past 6 nights, your wake is always full of friends, relatives, etc etc…..

Even though you have left us in person, I believe your spirit is still with us as always. Hope you are in a better place, with no pain but beloved grandma.


Always Loving You,

1 comment:

  1. She will always be remembered in our hearts... and one day, we will meet her again...